Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be great. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Everybody a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment

Trump Tower Damascus
A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Approach: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"

The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The project is presently attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely contain:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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